Moody Martha

I've been struggling a lot with insecurity lately. I'm not sure if it's because I didn't write in my personal journal once for the month of April, or if it's this crappy weather or what. But not only have I been feeling particularly down in the dumps about my body and schoolwork, but I'm in a pessimistic mood about people in general.

You can call this whole thing - this not wanting to hang out with anyone/not wanting to talk to people unless I think they will grant me a rare conversation of more than the typical two minutes/general grumpiness - whatever you want. Call it depression or post-adolescent angst (my preferred term), but I think it's probably just a very long mood swing phase thing. Yeah I should be a psychologist!

The other day I just felt so put down by the idea that society apparently has a programmed paradigm of beauty that I don't fit. After reading through that site, I resigned myself to never being appreciated as a beautiful human being by anyone but my mother ever again, and I was complacent for about a day. I felt that I could act however I wanted and not feel weird if people ignored or judged me because I simply wasn't worth their time, as a non-beautiful person.

But I'm starting to realize this is bullshit. (Yes, "starting to" - my heart is a slow learner.) Mostly because tonight my gray mood lifted itself from the grave like a weird heat-sensitive Lazarus around my ring finger of sadness.

- Seeing that my dorm will be bringing puppies in on Wednesday for us to play with during finals stress? DING, gray to misty blue!
- Coming home to a delicious late dinner of spaghetti and meat sauce made by my amazing roommate? DING, whirlpool of amber!
- Finding out I got a $1,500 Dean's Undergraduate Research Fund Grant for next year? DING, jubilant yellow!
- Listening to the piano arrangement of the Debussy piece I just played with my chamber group? DING, joyous sea green!
- Laughing with aforementioned roommate at life and at Accigone / The WTF Blanket? DING, best mood ever. I can't put a color on that kind of priceless happiness. Can you?