I obviously took the wrong tack today by attempting to clear up some of the clutter on my own. My mother exploded, citing her rising blood pressure as the reason she wanted me to "just stop right now." She berated me for touching the few things I was trying to sort, sneering, "You're only going to be here for two months, so just shut up and stop." It is clear to me that, while I am left ignorant of her reason for wanting to live like this, she doesn't understand why I feel I am entitled to clean for her.
Why?
Because this is still my childhood home. I grew up in this wholly unsatisfying apartment, because you did not make the choices in life that would lead you to having a real house like most of the kids I grew up around. I spent many formative years here, so I feel entitled to treat it like a normal person treats a home, which you may not understand. I am leaving to spend time abroad in two months, yes, and despite my sense of entitlement toward this place, I would really like to say goodbye to this apartment forever. I should clear out all my belongings and leave an empty bedroom behind, because even calling this place home for the past fifteen years does not take away my resentment of what it has become.
I still hold out hope that my mother can live normally. My compulsion to de-clutter is a counteracting force for her compulsion to keep things as they are. I would be so ashamed and overwhelmed if her hoarding and clutter escalated to the degree of Tracy's mother, who eventually died of a heart attack amid dead animals, an overflowing toilet, and piles of clutter. Without the support system that my own mother so readily refuses, anything could happen. And I, ever the pessimist, simply expect the worst.
I would like to say that, for anyone I know personally who may have come across this strangely revealing blog, try to suppress your pity and your judgment. This is only an outlet. My mother's erratic tendencies may make me question my own sanity, but I do know to ask for help when she or I need it. We had a mixed bag with our first professional organizer, but I think I will have to sacrifice a little more, perhaps on therapy or a full-on intervention, to make sure that my mother gets the help she needs.
ETA: I was surprised to find, a few hours after writing this, that the skin on my throat had broken out in slight hives after screaming myself raw into a pillow. Not sure if this was the stress, the physical increase of blood flow to my neck, or something in the pillow. This has never happened before. I need to retrieve peace.
7 comments:
I clean clutter every day - physically and mentally. Great blog! I really empathize with this post.
Thank you! Ritual seems to make things easier. By the way, I love seeing your posts on newestwrinkle!
Your writing is terrific - I can identify, as the daughter of a mother who hoards. If you're looking for more blogs about attempts at de-hoarding, I write one called Die Junk Die here on blogger. Best of luck and I'll be following your progress!
I'd venture to guess that you feel entitled because you are entitled. Even if you only plan on being there a couple of months, it is your home and you have the right to live in decent surroundings.
Also, as a child you absolutely were entitled to a decent environment, and parents are obligated to provide that. That is one of their duties as parents. Too many kids don't get that, of course, and depending on the limitations of the parents there may or may not ever be any way to get it from them, but that does not change the fact that a kid is still entitled to it by rights.
As for your mother's territoriality: my father, the hoarder in my family, was very stubbornly possessive of his stuff. And his 'stuff' extended to pretty much everything--the house, the property, and the stuff he bought with 'his' money like food and clothing for us kids (which, incidentally, as the father and primary breadwinner, he was obligated to give us). From what I hear this is very 'normal' for hoarders. It's screwed up, though, and since it kind of mimics the ideas of individuality and the (I think very American) idea of 'my house, my rules' it can be hard to tease apart. But I don't think it's normal for the rest of us at all to live under those kind of rules.
Anyway, I don't know if that helps, or even if I articulated myself clearly, but you've got a good blog, and your writing (as nicknamehere says) is very good and clear. You seem to be able to tell what is healthy and what isn't, too, which is a skill I wish I had had at your age.
What a tough situation. Sending good vibes (and lots of decluttering karma) in your direction <3
We all need to declutter one way or the other.
http://youcanfacetodaybecausehelives.blogspot.com/
Sorry to see that you are not posting. I hope all is well. Write a short post and let us know how you are doing.
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